The Golden Globes

Monrovia, California

January 13, 2014

Here's the latest gossip from this blog about the Golden Globe Awards, as if the Oscars weren't enough, along with the Emmys, Grammys, Tonys, and all the rest of the awards ceremonies for the other types of "performing arts."  (Arts my ass, by the way.  You want art?  Go to a museum or listen to a classical music station.  You might see or hear some.)   For those of you who weren't glued to your TV to see the Golden Globes, which includes me, I will give you my observations on the high points I have managed to glean from the AOL home page and a few other internet sources.

1.  Diane Keaton looks like an old English man.  She looks a little better than Keith Richards, mostly because of the necktie and because she wears less makeup than Keith does.  Also, she's had a less interesting life.

2.  People like to swear on TV, even though they know the words will be bleeped out.  This reminds me of the way we used to swear as little kids when no adults were around.  (Oh wait, it just hit me.  No adults ARE around at the Golden Globes.)  They realize they're going to be on prime time television, where they bleep things out, but they swear anyway and leave the mental work to the sound editors.  This results in long silent gaps in their speeches, while their lips move and you try to read them.  Maybe it's an homage to the silent movies, I don't know.  Partly they do it out of habit, and partly because they're stoned to the gills and whatever built-in filters they might have had are temporarily knocked out of commission.

3.  Almost all the women wore silly dresses or things that would have been silly dresses in any real-world context.

4.  Did I mention that Diane Keaton looks like an old British queen?  And I don't mean Elizabeth II.

5.  The men who wore tuxedos looked good compared to almost everyone else, because that's a good look for just about any man--fat, slim, intelligent, or stupid.  Women shouldn't have so many choices, but unfortunately they do.  It's like the choices we have in fast food restaurants.  You want fries with that dress?  Can I supersize that for you?

6.  Diane Keaton should have worn a tuxedo.

7.  Women's dress designers are the greatest practical jokers in the world.

8.  Women's hairdressers are the second greatest practical jokers in the world.

9.  At least Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were deliberately trying to be funny, which is more than you can say for the rest of the people who attended.

10.  Diane Keaton shouldn't be allowed to go out in public, except on Halloween.

I'm just sayin'.