Corona, California
[To my international readers: Sorry if some of the references herein aren't well known to you. On the other hand, you're lucky if they're not.]
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
--Gilbert and Sullivan, The Mikado
I've had a fantasy lately that involves fast food places. In my imagination, I have the power to eliminate from the face of the earth one fast food franchise per month for a year--signs, advertisements, buildings, and parking lots included. There are rules involved, of course, which I have created, since I am the Lord and Master of the fantasy. First, there can be no replacements for the eliminated franchises, that is, other fast food companies cannot increase their numbers to take up the slack from the absence of their competitors. The locations where they once stood, after I have caused them to disappear, must never again be used for commercial purposes of any kind. They must be left vacant, to be returned to dirt and dust and bushes and flowers and cracked asphalt. Second, no remaining fast food franchise can begin to serve items that might have been exclusive to or particularly made by the eliminated ones. If I eliminate a place with fried chicken made a certain way, for example, then another place that has survived the cut cannot add such fried chicken to its menu. In fact, all menus of the survivors must remain fixed as they are or reduced, lest they incur my wrath and subject themselves to my righteous hand. For I am the Lord God of Food, and will not hold them guiltless that attempt to flaunt the rules of my fantasy. Finally, the franchise in question must be more or less nationwide, if not international. It need not be present in every state, but must be distributed across a decent portion of the country. And the smaller, local franchises may not expand, of course.
Okay, so what fast food places are on my list? Remember, I can choose one per month, and during that month I will smite it from the face of the earth. The first one is Carl's Jr. Now, some of you in the east may not know Carl's Jr., and therefore may not know that it is the sister franchise of Hardee's. Carl's Jr. in the west, and Hardee's in the east. So in January all Carl's Jr. and all Hardee's restaurants will be gone. Poof. (And since it is now February, that means they're gone already. Therefore if you think you see one, it's an optical illusion. Drive on by.) Why this franchise? you ask, I'll tell you why. Because Carl's Jr. is a stupid name and it makes no sense. "Carl Jr." or "Carl Jr.'s" would be better, but even those names would be dumb. Carl? Really? Sorry if your name is Carl, but don't you dare ever start a business using that name. Also their signs, with the happy yellow stars on them, are ugly and garish. I've only been in a Carl's Jr. a couple of times, but I've been in Hardee's many times. Hardee's is a stupid name too, so fuck them both. Enough said about that. In February, Del Taco will disappear. Like Carl's Jr., Del Taco originated in California, but through franchises spread all over the country. Why do I want to eliminate Del Taco? For one thing, it's also a stupid name, and their signs, with happy little sunrises, or sunsets, are ridiculous on a par with those of the late, not-so-lamented, Carl's Jr. Sorry, but that's the way it is. For another (and more important) thing, there are plenty of local food places practically everywhere that serve good cheap Mexican street food, which is all a taco is or ever aspired to be in the first place. Eliminate Del Taco and you still have more than enough taco joints to go around, and surely many more than are necessary. In March, with great relish, I will eliminate Wienerschnitzel. I know that Wienerschnitzel isn't the largest fast food outlet by a long shot, but it's particularly offensive to me, the Lord, the Supreme Destroyer of Evil, for a couple of reasons. The first is the fact that their restaurants are silly-looking, with their yellow A-frame buildings and big red and white "Ws." The second and more important reason is that they specialize in hot dogs. So what? you ask, what's wrong with a nice hot dog for a change? Nothing really, except that in German cuisine Wiener schnitzel, as anyone ought to know, is not hot dogs at all, but a dish made from pounded veal (and sometimes pork) cutlets, breaded and sauteed and smothered with gravy. It is, therefore, akin to chicken fried steak, and hasn't got a goddamned thing to do with hot dogs. It originated, perhaps, in Vienna (or Wien, as it's really called), as did, perhaps, the sausage that came to be known as the wiener, or hot dog. Long gone are the days when a hot dog tasted like a sausage anyway. Now they're just extruded tubes of American bologna. But somebody somewhere (Texas I think) thought it would be fun and fancy to name a hot dog joint Wienerschnitzel, with no regard for accurate etymology. For that reason alone, Wienerschnitzel restaurants deserve to be wiped from the face of the earth, as they surely will be some time during the month of March.
In the second quarter of the year 2019, three more venerable franchises will meet their end. In April, Burger King will go bye-bye, along with its idiotic King and its Whopper and all the rest of its hopelessly lame and imitative stuff. This move alone will clear an enormous amount of space from both the urban and rural landscapes, and will take nothing away from our cravings for cheap calories that can't be found elsewhere. In May will come one that might make some folks sit up and take notice, if the previous ones didn't. In May I will eliminate from the planet, from the homes of friend and foe alike, all KFC (formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken) restaurants. People simply shouldn't do to chicken what KFC does to theirs. I haven't been there for a long time, but half the time I couldn't tell whether I was eating a back or a front or something in between. It's either too juicy (fried chicken should never be that juicy) or it's too breaded. Extra crispy? My question is, extra crispy WHAT? Not chicken, that's for sure. You have to bite pretty damn far into a piece of extra crispy KFC to get to something that was hatched and not grown from the earth. So to hell with KFC. As with tacos, there are more than enough local and small places that serve fried chicken, and if they don't take up the slack, then let people eat something else. Good fried chicken should be cooked in a skillet in at least an inch of melted lard or bacon fat anyway, and there's no way a franchise is going to do that. In June, you can all say adios to Taco Bell. For my reasoning, please see the comments above about Del Taco, not that I, the Almighty, have to give you a reason at all. And add to that the hideous faux-Spanish colonial mission style of its buildings. Okay, so that leaves the world with no significant Mexican fast food franchises, I realize. Boo hoo. Go to a local restaurant or a food truck. With all the Mexicans Americans there are in this great country of ours, that shouldn't be difficult. You'll thank me when you taste the difference.
Moving along to the second half of the year, the decisions by Your Wise and Gracious Creator and Destroyer begin to get more challenging. As you've seen, there are aesthetic as well as culinary reasons for my decisions. July's selection (so get it while you still can) is Jack In The Box. What horrible commercials! I don't give a shit what the food tastes like, this is a decision based purely on easing the assault on the eyes created every time you drive past one of their restaurants or turn on the TV. Not to mention that they tried to kill us all a decade or two back. In August, in honor of the month of my birth, I will eliminate Wendy's. Now I can hear some of you start to grumble, if you weren't doing so already. Be careful, and remember the power I have. Why Wendy's? Don't they have big square hamburgers? Yes they do, and that's just plain wrong. I will miss the Frosty, I'll admit, but it's a small price to pay to get rid of the rest of their shit, and you can get ice cream, or a milk shake, or whatever the hell a Frosty is, somewhere else. You'll have to anyway, so get used to it. To round out the third quarter of the year, in September I will eliminate Arby's. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What!? Roast beef sandwiches? What could possibly be wrong with those? Seriously, have you seen the pathetically small amount of meat they put in those suckers? And it can't be that pink in real life--they must do something to it to make it look that way. So order a French dip sandwich somewhere else, or better yet eat only roast beef that's been freshly carved and bloody in the center. That's roast beef. You won't get it as often, but you'll appreciate it more, especially if it has a little fat on it. Mmmm.
October brings the beautiful color changes of fall as we prepare for winter. And it also will bring the end, forever, of Sonic Drive-Ins. But wait, you say. Where can we get cheeseburgers as well as chili dogs all under the same roof? And what about those absurd commercials with the two lovable dickwads in the front seat of their car? And sometimes the two women who certainly ought to know better? They can retire into obscurity, or may make car insurance commercials. Chili dogs and cheeseburgers are sold by every Greek restaurant in America, so not to worry. November is turkey month in this great land that I have given unto you, and so I'll go after poultry again. This time it will be Chick-fil-A. Mostly just for the billboards with the illiterate cows. I guess if you're an illiterate cow yourself you think they're funny. Plus they're owned by right wing religious bigots, and the Lord will strike down with a mighty vengeance anyone who engages in right wing bigotry, or right wing anything, for that matter. And everything I've said already about every other stupid name for a franchise goes at least double for Chick-fil-A. At last we come to December, and the purge is about to come to an end. Thus far I have spared one important category of deep fried heavily- breaded food, namely, fish. So I will destroy all Long John Silver restaurants. I don't really think I need to give an explanation of any kind for this move to anyone who likes fish. Fish is supposed to be kind of good for you, or at least healthier than many other alternatives. Otherwise why bother to eat it? It's not as tasty as beef or pork unless you like sushi--and don't lie to yourself that it is. Remember, I am all knowing as well as all powerful. Anyway, Long John Silver's fish is just the opposite of healthy. I will grant you that it's no worse than authentic English fish and chips, but that's damning it with faint praise.
Okay, that's the list. It's arbitrary, I know, but well thought out. I'm sure there are a dozen more that deserve to go, but in my fantasy I had to start somewhere. Now let's talk about the survivors. You'll notice that I left off McDonald's, which some of you probably figured would be number one on the list. But in my opinion none of the places that I've eliminated make better crappy mass-produced hamburgers. The others might be different, but they're not really better. Mass-produced burgers are inherently kind of crummy anyway, and I wanted to keep at least one major fast food place going. McDonald's will fill in the gaps--indeed almost every other fast food place, including the ones I eliminated, started in imitation of McDonald's, and whatever anyone else has come up with, McDonald's has effectively imitated. Want breakfast? They make high fat breakfasts, available around the clock. Want fish? They make a really unhealthy fish sandwich. Want candy-like coffee drinks? They got 'em. Want chicken? McDonald's chicken nuggets are admittedly just so much garbage, but they're like crack to little kids, and I don't want to put the children of America into some sort of grim withdrawal. Kids can get along fine without all of the places I've gotten rid of, but I don't know if they could survive the demise of McDonald's. And as for french fries, there is no other franchise that does them better--crisp on the outside, soft on the inside, always hot and salty. Please don't bullshit me or yourselves on this point. This isn't a health-generated purge anyway. I also wanted to wipe out the places with the ugliest and most garish restaurants. The golden arches are so much a part of the universal landscape that they hardly qualify as ugly any more. You might also have noticed that I didn't eliminate any pizza places. Pizza isn't fast food, strictly speaking. Something you have to make to order, even if you do it fast, isn't fast food. That means Subway and Jimmy John's and all those places get a pass, at least for now.
There are local and regional franchises that have escaped my mighty hand of justice, too. For instance, here in the west we have In-N-Out restaurants, but since they're not national I have spared them. Otherwise they'd be gone like a cool whiff of hot fat. In-N-Out is offensive, to be sure, and even more so because they're not particularly fast, and often their drive-through lines trail out on the street and impede normal traffic flow, instead of being tucked beside or behind the restaurant. Also, their food just isn't that good. Usually the fries are cold and limp and they're cut too long. And their huge signs are a blight. I could go on about In-N-Out, but they're irrelevant to this discussion at the present time.
Well, my children, thus endeth my fantasy, for the time being. Next year I might start to work on franchise sit-down restaurants, like Chili's and TGI Friday and others. After that maybe car insurance companies, of which there are far too many spending your hard-earned dollars on TV advertising. For now, enjoy all those new vacant lots.
Thanks for reading, and remember: I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds, or at least of part of the world. And as any god in any religion will readily attest, destruction is a lot of fun.
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