If I Were President

November 24, 2020

Cathedral City, California

     If I were president, I would not pardon a turkey at Thanksgiving time.  That's just stupid, especially when you're probably going to eat turkey for the Thanksgiving meal.  But even if you're not having turkey for dinner, pardoning an animal that gets raised for slaughter is absurd.

     If I were president, I would promptly commute the death sentence of any person convicted in a federal court.  People's lives are more important than those of turkeys, and if you can't figure that out, you shouldn't even be walking around, much less be the president.

     If I were president, I would not allow Mitch McConnell, or any other mealy-mouthed Republican senator or congressman, to set foot in the White House.  I would arrange for them to meet with my staff in front of a landscaping place next to a porn shop, on the outskirts of Philadelphia.

     If I were president, I would have regular news conferences, but at the news conferences my favorite thing to say would be, "That's got to be one of the stupidest questions I've ever heard.  What are you, the fucking scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz?"

     If I were president, I would not say "so help me God" at the end of my oath of office.   It's not in the constitution, and I don't care if that revered old slave owner George Washington said it.  I wouldn't place my other hand on the bible when taking the oath, either.  I'd put it in my pocket.  Also, I'd never end a speech with "God bless" anything at all.  Fuck that.

     If I were president I'd try to get "under God" removed from the pledge of allegiance, where it was put in the early 1950s during the Red Scare, at the behest of the Knights of Columbus--as if they should have any say in anything we do as a country.  In fact, I'd discourage the use of the pledge of allegiance to the flag altogether.  What's the point?  If you make war against the U.S. or give aid or comfort to our enemies you're committing treason, and can be tried for it.  Isn't that enough?  Why make a kid, or anybody else for that matter, pledge allegiance to a piece of cloth?  What is this, Nazi Germany?

     If I were president, I'd try to ban the playing of the national anthem at sporting events.  What a waste of time.  They say baseball is too slow now.  That would speed things up.  What is this, Nazi Germany?

     If I were president, the next time a vacancy came up on the Supreme Court, I'd nominate a mainline Protestant or a Jew or an atheist.  We have more than enough Catholics there now, and they're systematically fucking things up. 

     If I were president I'd have the Treasury Department try to remove all images of slave owners from our currency.  That means no more George Washington on the dollar bill and the quarter, no more Jefferson on the two-dollar bill and the nickel, and no more Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar bill.  I'd replace Washington with Martin Luther King, Jr.  I'd replace Jefferson with Ma Rainey.  Jackson was already supposed to be replaced with Harriet Tubman.  Maybe we'd mix it up every few years--get some new blood on those coins and bills.  

     If I were president I also would try to remove "In God We Trust" from all our currency.  That was the misguided idea of Abraham Lincoln, an otherwise fairly bright and decent guy.   

     If I were president, speaking of money, I'd try to eliminate the penny.  It costs more to make than it's worth.  Retailers accepting cash would have to round everything up to the nearest five cents, which shouldn't break their hearts.  Credit card and bank purchases could still be recorded in odd amounts of cents, though.  They add up.  Didn't you ever watch Office Space?

     If I were president I'd instruct the IRS to revoke the tax-exempt status of any church or other religious organization that ever tried to get anyone to vote for any Republican, ever.  (Political activities are already not allowed to be conducted by tax-exempt 501(c)(3) entities under the Internal Revenue Code, but I would selectively enforce this provision so as to allow Black churches to continue to host politicians, as long as they were Democrats.)

     If I were president I'd have the Attorney General put the FBI on a mission to infiltrate and eradicate all right-wing organizations.

     If I were president I'd propose to the congress that it repeal the second amendment to the constitution.  Also the part of the first amendment that prohibits the government from making laws restricting the free exercise of religion.

     If I were president I'd find a way to have Kid Rock and Ted Nugent locked up in Guantanamo Bay.  

     If I were president I'd issue an executive order making Tom Brady's birthday a national holiday.  It's not that I like Tom Brady that much--actually he's a right-wing dick, as far as I know.  But Tom Brady's birthday is the same as mine, August 3, and so as not to appear immodest I'd put Tom Brady up as the ostensible reason for the holiday.  But then I'd call it President Teeuwissen's Day.

     If I were president I'd deport Elon Musk to whatever country, or planet, he came from.